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Ode To You: Rollie Hockey Bag Guy

By: Frank Sorise

This weekend, my favorite sporting team takes on one of my most hated sporting teams as the Detroit Red Wings take on the Pittsburgh Penguins at 2 o'clock on Saturday at Joe Louis Arena. Whenever these two teams meet I am forced to revisit their short-lived rivalry period where they faced each other in back-to-back cups in 08-09 and my growing disdain for Sidney Crosby (**pukes in mouth, violently swallows it back down**) reached an all time high. I can now at this time admit he has cut down his diving, crying, bitching and whining...and there is no denying- the guy can play (**walks over to closest window, opens it up to scream, decides to jump**),  but something about him still just makes my skin crawl.

Where are you going with this, Frank?

Crosby was the type of kid to own a rollie hockey bag. How do I know? Do you remember playing sports as a young-in? And there were kids you could look at and just know instantly you didn't like them? And there were pieces of equipment that would tip their hand at concluding the same result of hatred? You could tell exactly what kind of player and PERSON they were, just from the kind of equipment they rocked. See-through helmets, triangle sticks, Canadian flag patterned tape? Well there was one piece of "equipment" that sent me RIGHT over the edge- the rollie hockey bag. So in true Bud Light style I present an Ode To You: Rollie Hockey Bag Guy.

So here's to you- Rollie Hockey Bag guy, for all the times you were just completely exhausted from that fourth-line, eight-minutes-of-ice-time-game to the point that there was no way you could possibly actually pick up your bag and carry it to your parents' car before hitting your indoor hot tub back home as mommy fixed you a snack to tide you over until dinner.

(Image courtesy of hockeygiant.com and www.fredchartrand.com )

To you! For attempting to turn hockey locker rooms into giant oversized luggage airport terminals. Thank you! for being a nightmare and borderline health hazard to walk behind into the rink. I must also salute your dedication to the team with your energy saving efforts as carrying the bag 200 feet into the stadium would surely drain you to a point that would be detrimental to your performance.

I believe there is a parenting flaw involved with parents who purchase rollie hockey bags for their kids. "Hey son, I know I'm paying thousands of dollars, driving your ass all over the state at all hours of the morning and night to let you play the sport you enjoy and to make new friends...and I'm so sorry that I filled your bag with equipment that is clearly too heavy, so, instead of teaching you to toughen up and learn that there are things in life that you don't like to do, but still have to- I bought you this clown sack that rolls around so we don't hurt that precious back of yours." And if you are just buying them the bag so they'll stop bitching about carrying it- maybe they are in the wrong sport. This isn't f**king golf where you tip a guy to carry your shit around. It's hockey- things hurt; deal with it.

I know when I was playing growing up, my dad never carried my bag- and he made it very clear never to consider asking, but then again it's not like I ever wanted anyone but ME carrying my bag. It's your f**king gear, your armor, your mother f**king weapons; I'm not letting anyone- let alone some OLD F**K (my dad) carry my tools of war.

I want to apologize for all of my hostility over this subject matter. There is a lot going on right now for me hockey-wise. I recently started my own team, took a puck to the dome which resulted in 6 stitches where the PA stitching me up might as well have been on acid tabs, plus on top of it all- the Red Wings 25 year playoff streak is in serious jeopardy and I never know what team is going to show up on any given night. #LGRW.


by: Frank Sorise

Frank scored twice in a 2004 practice and hit the post once more as the zamboni was coming on. He claims it was the best skate he's had to date. He also requested we let you know that he never wanted a CCM X-ray helmet and his dad never smacked him for wanting one. We'll let you decide.          

Follow Frank on Instagram @cool.tight.sweet and Twitter @cooltightsweet.
  • March 25, 2016
  • Original Stix